I've been a serious fan of Danny Boyle since the release of the movie ''Slumdog Millionaire''. There is something uncanny about his directing, which is able to turn even the dullest situation into the most thrilling drama. I marvel at his films, so it was understandable that when I got my hands on the movie ''127 Hours'' my heart set about circulating the blood around my body faster than a Victorian plumbing system.
So with trembling hands, I inserted the disc in my DVD player and...nothing happened. Now, being a man, my initial instinct was to disintegrate the damn thing with my bare hands, and practice the ancient art of Origami with it. But because I am sensible, I inserted the disk again...What on earth is its problem? I could cram that disk inside a ''Remington Atlantic'' and it would work just fine, but my sophisticated player thought otherwise, and its silicon chips adopted the behavior of a spoiled stubborn six year old. After some more tries, I resorted to hurdling endless chains of verbal abuse, followed by some ''gentle'' pats on the back of the hapless machine.
I got quite irritated, and soon I gave up, thought of a term which rhymes with ''bucket'' and resorted to the handbook, half of which was littered with all sorts of health and safety notices, and the other half, which was all in Chinese. ''Be more patient''- That is what a friend of mine keeps telling me, and since she is considerably older than me, I bet that she is also wiser, and that meant I took up her advice and followed it. I followed it for so long in-fact, that by the time I found the FAQ section, Danny Boyle could have successfully rolled out another fine film, which I won't be able to watch anyways. Why? Because the FAQ section was as baffling and as irrelevant as a spoon is to a Japanese: ''If your DVD player does not produce a visual image on the TV screen, please resort to plugging it in the electrical supply.''... YEAH...Thanks for nothing! Really? Who was this player made for? Captain Caveman? And that is the thing about handbooks. They bear no relation to the product they are supplied with whatsoever. And since I am famous among my friends as being as practical as a woman's purse, and with the technological knowledge which would have been deemed old fashioned even in the middle ages, I was quite aware that it would be highly unlikely for me to succeed in repairing my materialistic possession.
And that brings me onto the topic of today's post. Why is everyone referring to asking me about all kinds of technological issues they face? Haven't I made it obvious by now, that you'd be better off with the help of a toddler, and that I'd dribble your device straight in the trash if I got the chance? I am not a computer savvy, and the only activity which I am capable of undertaking flawlessly on my laptop is typing, and probably plugging in the charger.
And why do gadgets go wrong in the first place when you've paid with your mom and dad to get it? Why does my iPod malfunction when I threw a fortune for what turned out to be, a device as useless as a bag of worms. That is what annoys me most. Much like with global warming, everyday we have some boffins with beards who no one has ever heard of, emerging from their cowsheds, warning us that we are way too dependent on machinery, and that one day our refrigerators and ovens shall take over and make us slaves of their world. That of course will not happen, because everything will end up malfunctioning in the warehouse of the company where it was made. Hell, if the Terminators were real, I bet that they'd overheat every ten minutes, and shall need servicing every 15 minutes which would only be fine if it was covered by the bloody warranty.
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