I am sure you are aware of those TV spammer pests A.K.A ''Top Shop''. They flood your hapless television set with all kinds of products you don't want or need to buy. They advertise anything from blenders to body trimmers which look like mutated genitals. At the worst of times when I had nothing better to do, I'd turn into an avid viewer of ''Top Shop'' only because they had a hilarious German host going under the name of HORST! His facial expressions were as fake as a teenager's homework excuses, and his teeth were whiter than white. His bald head coupled with a peculiarly looking earring made him look like an African tribe member with a personality disorder.
But that was a long time ago, and I bet that Mr.Horst is now busy advertising the Bible in heaven. After Mr. German sense of humour was gone, ''Top Shop'' turned into a repetitive show starring presenters with plastic faces, and women with more botox injected under their skin than Jocelyn Wildenstein. It soon became apparent that the Top Shop giant was plummeting down to earth faster than a drunk on a motorbike, and viewers like me were becoming more or less bored. But now they are back, and holy baby moses isn't their return a shock! If you tune in on their channel right after midnight you get a special erotic bloc, advertising all kinds of things which can help middle aged men achieve the results of their teenage hood. And some of the things are more than bizarre.
Now, do not think for a second that I deliberately tuned in, so I can buy something that shall prolong my reproductive organ. No, I was just skipping through the channels and stumbled upon an attractive woman with a rather short dress holding a little spray can in her hand. As it is with Top Shop, you never miss something, because they tend to repeat the facts at least ten times, or in other words...for eternity. So I decided to see what was that young woman on about. As it turned out, according to Top Shop, that little spray can was capable of turning even Steve Buscemi into a sex symbol. It claimed that the amazing blend of pheromones will make you irresistible for all women, and that they will embrace you like a horde of horse flies on an excrement.
It all sounds too good to be true. But then, even if it works, the pheromone spray has its limitations...What if you work in a nursing home for old people? What if your best friend is a nun? What if you give private tuition to sixth form girls? (Well the last one can't be too bad before you are caught). My point is, you cannot have a long term relationship with someone, only by spraying yourself with pheromones. You can't smell like a favela drainage pipe, and attract girls at the same time. You can't be dressed like a Scottish man, and expect hordes of female flesh to be hurdled at you.
One has to first fix their manners, looks, hygiene and charm, and if these don't do the job of finding a girl, only then you should resort to using the spray in question, which will most likely get you a one night stand hooker, who you shall later find out is not actually a female. Anyways, who am I to give such an advice, when obviously I have never tried the spray.....Maybe...NO...I HAVEN'T
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